Josh is a simple man, a funny one, the nice guy....the guy you wish your daughter or friend or mom would meet because they are all around just fantastic. And maybe that's why I worry about him a little more than I worry about myself. I may show my emotions more, but I know that Josh doesn't always tell me his.
When I told him that I was going to write about how he was doing on our blog, you could guess what his reaction was. It wasn't very enthusiastic (understandably) and he seemed a little put off by it, but I explained to him why it was important to me to have a male's point of view on miscarriage. He agreed to answer a few questions and although it's not much..it's something.
Question 1: What is the hardest part about having a miscarriage?
-"The hardest part is seeing how much it hurts you and not being able to help."
Question 2: What helps the most/what doesn't help?
-"Just doing things helps me take my mind away from it whether it's work or just things around the house."
Question 3: What have you learned or wish you would have known about miscarriages?"
-"That it is far more common than I originally thought."
Question 4: Do you have any advice for a dad going through a miscarriage?
-"The only advice I can think of is just being there for your partner because yes, it does affect us, but it's a lot more for the mother."
It meant a lot that Josh answered these questions and I hope to able to continue to ask more and share more from his perspective, but I thought I'd go into more detail about how I think he is doing from what I've observed and a little about how we are doing as a couple.
I think one of the hardest parts of this miscarriage has been watching Josh trying to figure out a way that he can help me feel better again. I can feel his desperation through the phone when he asks me over and over again, "Baby, please just tell me what I can do. Tell me anything and I'll do it.". I wish more than anything that I could give him an answer.., but I can't. There's nothing he can do. There's nothing anyone can do. He usually isn't around when I lose it and break down, which is hard for him, but I think not being able to help or physically do anything to fix this tragedy just kills him. Of course I appreciate how much he cares about me, but I also want him to remember to care for himself.
I've also found that Josh tends to use work as a way of forgetting things. Whether this is right or wrong, I can't say. All I know is that staying busy really helps Josh to not focus as hard on the devastation of everything. I think this is very normal for a lot of people. Not just men, but a lot of people. It helps me too...to an extent. I'm glad that Josh has a way to keep him busy, but that doesn't help me from worrying about him and what he is truly feeling.
There's A LOT of healing and coping that still needs to happen, but I think Josh is mostly concerned with the fact that I am not okay. I believe this is normal with a lot of fathers going through something similar, but that doesn't mean that we should forget about the father's feelings and wellbeing. I wasn't surprised with the limited information Josh gave me, but I hope that this gives someone some insight to how one male perceives things.
Although I am really struggling and people focus mostly on the mothers in these situations, this is a reminder that the fathers are JUST as important to check on. Everyone copes differently and it's so important to stay communicating with those who are hurting. Please remember you never truly know how someone is feeling--be kind.
How Josh and I are doing as a couple.
I thought I'd add a bit about how Josh and I are coping, taking care of each other, how we are overall dealing with our miscarriage.
Josh and I have been doing okay. And when I say okay...we are surviving. I tend to lose it when he is at work and I'm at home. Alone with my thoughts. Josh texts me as much as he possibly can, but it's hard with the type of job he has. He does his best. And that's all I could ever ask for. There hasn't been one time when Josh has not been there for me--I'm beyond grateful for that.
Things are a lot better when we are together. Even if I'm reading/crocheting/blogging and he is playing his switch/playing his PS5, just being around each other makes things better. I feel safe. We also try to stay busy (if my depression allows). We play a lot of board games, go out for dinner, visit friends, we are building a snow fort in our backyard, we have been starting to plan our wedding, we try to organize our new house....anything and everything that we can DO, we do. With that being said, when emotions are running high or the anxiety is too much and the depression consumes our whole body, we hold each other. Sometimes we cry, we talk, we ask questions, but sometimes we just lay on our huge couch and hold on to each other like we are going to float away if we don't hang on.
The other thing is that it's only been a little over two weeks since our miscarriage. I am still doing blood work. We still have upcoming OB/GYN appointments. We are still learning. I truly believe the more we learn the more we will figure out what way of coping is best for us. And coping is different for everyone. So our ways of coping may not help you or your partner, but maybe learning about it will. That's why I started this blog and wanted to tell our story while our story is still unfolding. We still have a lot to learn, a long ways to go, a lot of grieving and coping to do, but we still have one thing in common:
We both still cannot wait to get pregnant again.