I found out I was pregnant on October 28th, 2022, at 5:42pm. We had been trying for a couple of months, throughout which time I had come up with a cute plan for announcing the pregnancy to my husband once I got a positive. I was going to borrow a polaroid camera from a friend, take a photo of the positive test, and then hand it to him to watch while it developed. However, that all went out the window once I saw the faint second line on the test strip and I ran out of the bathroom to tell him. We spent the rest of the evening celebrating and throwing around ideas for how to announce it to my sisters at my birthday lunch that weekend (yes, the positive test was the best birthday present ever).
Once the initial shock and excitement wore off, I started to have an immense amount of anxiety and fear that something was going to go wrong. Four months prior, my dog Elliot died unexpectedly in his sleep. I started having panic attacks in the middle of the night, often waking up and shaking my other dog to make sure he was alive. Therapy helped me overcome the panic attacks prior to becoming pregnant, but I still struggled with constant worry that something bad was going to happen. I took pregnancy tests every day to make sure the control line was getting darker, did hours of research, switched to all pregnancy safe products, and made sure to tell my little baby bean that I loved him multiple times a day. After a month or so, I finally started to chill out and allow myself to embrace my happiness without the fear of something going wrong lurking in the background. We were dying to know if our little bean was a boy or girl, so we ordered the Sneak Peak gender reveal test that can be done at 6-weeks. He was a boy and we named him Emmet. I ordered some adorable clothes for him that I just couldn’t resist and started planning his Harry Potter themed nursery.
On December 9th I had my first appointment. I put in extra effort when getting ready before we left and remember thinking to myself - what do I wear to meet my baby for the first time? I put on a t-shirt and leggings as usual. An hour later we saw our little bean on the ultrasound, and then the doctor told us that he didn’t have a heartbeat. He measured at 9 weeks and 1 day. She was very kind and continued to emphasize that it wasn’t or fault and that miscarriages are very common, then proceeded to explain the different options for resolving the miscarriage – expectant management, misoprostol, or a D&C. We took home an ultrasound photo to remember him by, which I couldn’t stop looking at all night.
After taking the weekend to process everything and getting a follow up blood test to confirm my HCG levels were dropping, I decided to take the expectant management approach. After a week of nothing happening, I emailed my doctor to request the misoprostol. I wanted to do a D&C so I could just get it over with and avoid the possibility of having to flush my baby down the toilet, but my insurance told me that the D&C procedure would be $3,400 out of pocket. The misoprostol prescription came with 2 sets of 4 pills and the instructions stated that I should use the second set of pills if I didn’t have significant bleeding within 8 hours of taking the first set. After 48 hours and taking both sets of pills, I had bad cramping but only light bleeding. I contacted my doctor and she told me that happens with some people and to schedule an appointment for 2-weeks out to determine next steps. On January 2nd I had another ultrasound which showed that I had still not passed the miscarriage. My doctor recommended that I schedule a D&C, as doing another round of misoprostol was unlikely to work. I scheduled it and then called my insurance to explain that a D&C was now necessary as the other options didn’t work and I had now been walking around with my baby dead inside me for almost a month. They said the procedure was still $3,400 out of pocket. To put this in perspective, it would be around $5,000 out of pocket to give birth to a live baby at a hospital.
On January 5th I had the D&C. It was an extremely emotional day, but I was thankful to have my husband by my side and was lucky to have very supportive and kind medical staff caring for me. Before leaving, the hospital’s Chaplin gave us a blue memory stone and a printed quote.
The Unfinished
We cannot judge a biography by its length,
Nor by the number of pages in it.
We must judge it by the richness of its contents
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant.
We cannot judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
We must judge it by the way it touches and lifts our souls
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful.
And when something has enriched your life
And when its melody lingers on in your heart
Is it unfinished?
Or is it endless?
By Viktor E. Frankl
Losing my baby has made me feel completely out of control, helpless, and like I can’t trust my body. My mind and time are completely consumed by thinking about what could have been and fearing that I could experience this all again. It breaks my heart that so many women and couples are experiencing similar pain, but it comforting to know I am not alone. I hope we can all find some comfort and peace as we try to navigate how to move forward.